Battle of the Bands
by Yuri Space Cadet
Summary: The rock star lifestyle takes it toll on Josie and the Pussycats and sets Josie, Valerie, Melody and Alexandra on the road to conflict. Can the band survive?
1. Chapter 1

Battle of the Bands

Chapter 1

It was only ten minutes to show time at the first venue Josie and the Pussycats were playing on their new tour. Two members of the band, Valerie and Melody, were in the backstage dressing room chatting with Alexandra, the sibling of the band's manager as well as Josie's longtime rival who had followed the band around on tour for years.

The afro sporting Valerie and luscious blonde Melody were both decked out in their trademark pussycat band uniforms with long tails and ears for hats. Alexandra, with her rich dark hair with the distinctive white lightning bolt down the middle, was in one of her favorite red and black outfits with a suggestively short skirt. She was holding her pet cat Sebastian, who purred as Alexandra gently stroked his furry back in her arms.

Although Alexandra had remained adversarial towards the band for years, Melody and Valerie had grown much closer to her in recent months. Their rapport with her was now much friendlier. Part of that was a coping strategy in response to the recent change in the person who was currently absent from their pre-concert pow wow.

Suddenly, Alexandra's brother, Alexander Cabot the Third, ran into the room. He was wearing his thick rimmed sunglasses he almost never took off as well as a rather tacky green button-down shirt covered in dollar signs "Where's Josie?" he cried out in a panicky voice.

"I thought we agreed it was now your responsibility to keep track of her?" Valerie spat back, sounding a bit agitated.

"Believe me I tried," Alexander continued. "It's impossible. Blame that muscle head Alan M. for quitting. That brute was the only person who could corral her."

"What a great manager you are," Valerie snarled under her breath.

"Just go on without her," Alexandra said flatly as she continued to stroke Sebastian in her arms. "It's your guys' fault for not wanting to make tough decisions. You have to get rid of her. I know I've been saying that for years, but now it's really true. I really mean it this time. You have to listen to me."

"Mrow!" Sebastian agreed with his master.

"Give her another chance, Alexandra," Melody, the cute perky drummer of the band, chimed in. "I know Josie hasn't been very nice recently, but everyone deserves another chance."

Alexandra was exasperated with how nice Melody was being about it, especially with Josie's behavior towards Melody in particular as of recent. She always knew Melody was kind and caring despite being the dumbest person she had ever met, but Melody would be a candidate for sainthood if she kept this up. "Come on, Melody, you know what I'm saying is right," she pleaded with legitimate concern in her voice.

Melody shook her head. "Nuh uh."

Alexandra groaned.

"You haven't seen her at all?" Alexander asked again, sounding like he was about to faint from the stress.

"Did you look under the table?" Melody chirped. "That's the first place I always look when I lose something. _He he he he,"_ she giggled.

Valerie, Alexander and Alexandra leaned down and looked down under the long table in the middle of the dressing room. Sure enough, under the dark shadow of the table, a person appeared to be sitting Indian style busy doing something.

Wanting to get a better look, Valerie pushed the table back until Josie was completely revealed from her hiding spot. There she was sitting on the floor with her legs crossed. She had a glass tube with a bulb at the end in one hand and a syringe in her other hand. There was a red spot on her arm, showing that the syringe had recently been used. She then took another puff out of the glass pipe she held, seemingly oblivious to the fact she now had an audience.

"Josie, what the hell are you doing?" Valerie asked, shocked.

Josie looked up at her with bloodshot eyes. "What does it look like, you dumb bitch? I'm doing crack and heroin at the same time!"

The whole group groaned. Alexandra, looking especially pissed off, began to stomp off out of the room. "I'll be back later. I think I need some fresh air," she muttered darkly.

"Crack and heroin at the same time? What's wrong with you?!" Valerie shouted, still dumbfounded.

"Crack helps me perform. Heroin allows me to reach peak creativity. I'm a rock star. I'm doing what rock stars do! What do you want from me?!"

"Josie, you should listen to Smokey the Bear when he tells you to just say no to drugs," Melody told Josie in the most serious sounding tone her naturally cute sing song voice could muster.

Josie glared back at her from the floor with sharp daggers in her eyes.

"We can talk about this later," Alexander said. "Come on, Josie, you have to get on stage or I'm not going to get paid," he warned. He then ripped the crack pipe and syringe out of Josie's hands.

"Fine, for fuck's sake!" Josie whined.

"You mean we're not going to get paid, Alex," Valerie snapped at the extremely self-centered manager. She then got closer to him and whispered into his ear, "Like I told you, she needs to go into rehab."

"Right after this tour," he whispered back. "Like it or not, she's the headliner. Without her, we can't sell tickets."

"I can hear you," Josie snarled at the two as she finally stood up. "Drugs give me heightened senses including supersonic hearing. I already told you I don't need no fucking rehab. And this is my band! It's named after me! No other member and certainly no fucking manager can tell me what to do with _my band._ You got that, Alex? _You got that?"_ she screamed, sounding absolutely psychotic.

Alexander gulped. He knew she meant business. _"Ye..ye.. yes,_ mam."

Suddenly, Josie's expression got even more sinister. "You remember what I said I'd do if you tried to boss me around again, right, Alex?"

Alexander was now shaking like a leaf. "Yes, mam!" he spurted out nervously. "Well, good luck with this gig, girls. I'm going back to the hotel early." Alexander then sprinted towards a back exit and ran right out of the building.

"Bye bye!" Melody said, waving at him gleefully.

Reluctantly, Valerie brought Josie her pussycat uniform. Josie got changed, and the three members of the band walked out on to the stage and made their entrance. Melody stepped up onto her circular drum riser and got behind her drum kit. Valerie took her spot in front of Melody to the right with her two tambourines. Josie took her position with her guitar to the left.

Josie saw the size of the crowd, and her mood instantly switched from bitterly defensive of her drug habits to energized to perform in front of the people that had come to see her. She then shouted into her microphone, "We love you, Albuquerque! I can't tell you how happy we are to be back in New Mexico in the good ol' U.S. of A."

"Josie, we're in Paris!" Valerie scolded.

 _"Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO,"_ the crowd booed in a French accent.

"Hurry up, start our set," Valerie shouted at Melody. "Maybe they'll forget Josie's screw up if we start playing!"

"Wait up," Josie shouted at Valerie. "Let me do lead vocals on the first song."

Valerie scowled at her. "Fine."

Melody hit her drumsticks together a few times and then began expertly tapping her drums to create a catchy beat. A fraction of a second later, Valerie joined in by slapping one of her tambourines on her shapely ass, completing the percussion section of Josie and the Pussycats.

Josie then started strumming her guitar in an odd fashion, following not the beat provided by Melody and Valerie but some strange beat with an almost alien like structure that existed only in her head. It sounded like pure noise.

She then moved her lips close to the microphone to provide the vocals for what was supposed to be one of Josie and the Pussycats' trademark hits, Roadrunner. "Watch out for the roadrunner! Watch out, or he'll fuck you right now! Watch out for the roadrunner! Biggest dick in town. Watch out! Watch out! Watch out! Watch out!"

Valerie and Melody had terrified looks on their faces as they attempted to sing along to the chorus with completely different lyrics than the ones coming out of Josie's mouth. Josie had completely forgotten the words to the song, one she had co-written with Valerie for their debut album.

Josie continued singing very off key, "Hey, girl, take my advice. His penis might be really nice, but he's a cheat. He's a snake. He'll fuck your friend with a rake. His cock's just not worth the price. He's cumming on you. He's the roadrunner!"

Josie then started trying to impersonate the Looney Tunes roadrunner, which had nothing to do with their song. _"Beeeeep! Beeeeep!_ Watch out! _Beeeeep! Beeeeep!"_

The crowd had heard enough. They knew the song by heart, and they were not pleased. _"Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Le BOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!"_

The audience of mad Parisians then began pelting the band with croissants. A croissant bounced off of Josie's head. Another croissant bounced off of Melody's sizable chest, and another smacked Valerie right in the face. After the Frenchmen ran out of pastries, they all held up their noses and marched right out of the auditorium. The band stopped playing, and everything went silent.

Melody reached down and picked up a croissant that had landed on her snare drum and took a bite out of it. _"Mmmmmm!_ These sure are good crescent rolls!"

"Well, that was a disaster!" Valerie complained, throwing her tambourine down on the stage.

Slowly Josie exited her trance like stupor and realized that the audience had left. Quickly, her drug addled mind searched for the reason, and it became obvious to her in her own twisted logic. She then pointed her finger back and the curvaceous blonde sitting behind the drums. "This is all your fault, Melody!"

Melody turned her head to look behind her. Seeing no other Melody present, she turned back to Josie with a completely confused expression. "What, me?"

"Yes, _you!_ It's _your_ fault this concert was _ruined!"_

"But what about you and the drugs?"

Josie suddenly looked even more incensed. "How dare you talk bad about drugs!" She threw down her guitar, ran up and slapped Melody so hard in the face that she fell off her seat and knocked over most of her drum kit as she tumbled down off of the riser. "You _bitch…_ I could... I could _replace you with a potato!"_

Melody, now with a dark bruise across her cheek, looked up from the floor at the drug fueled redhead with tears welling up in her eyes. "A potato?"

"A potato could play the drums better than you! You're the reason everyone left! This is my band! You're fired! I'm hiring a potato!"

"No, I don't want to be replaced by a potato!" Melody began sobbing pathetically. "Please don't!" she pleaded.

"Tough cookies, Melody! Maybe you should have thought about that before you ruined this band!" Josie then gave Melody a vicious kick to the kidney that sent her wringing in pain.

Valerie finally had enough and grabbed Josie's arm. "Stop, Josie! You're out of control!"

Josie turned back to Valerie with total and complete madness in her eyes. She tore her arm away and then slapped her other friend hard in the face. "Shut up, Val! Do you want to be replaced by a tomato?!"

"What?"

"I said do you want to be replaced by a tomato? I'll fucking do it, god damn it! Don't fucking test me!"

"Okay, okay." Valerie backed off, looking completely bewildered.

Josie immediately went back to Melody on the floor and stomped on her hard, causing her to cry out. Melody tried to crawl away, but it was no use. Josie would stomp on her even harder. "That's what you get, you worm! I am Josie and the Pussycats! How dare you defy me!" Josie then yanked Melody up by the collar of her pussycat outfit and gave her another hard slap across her already bruised face.

At that moment, Alexandra, still with her pet cat in her arms, re-entered the backstage area from the outside. Confused about the lack of music, she walked up on the stage and peaked through the curtains to the other side.

When she saw Josie slap the sobbing blonde yet again, rage fueled adrenalin surged through the dark haired woman's veins. She set Sebastian down on the floor. She then immediately charged through the curtains towards the redhead and landed a vicious right hook to Josie's face. Josie's nose broke and blood sprayed everywhere, painting the stage and Melody's drums in thousands of crimson dots.

Alexandra then kicked up with her kitten heel covered foot directly into Josie's gut. Josie bent over, grabbing her midsection in pain. That's when Alexandra spun around to face the other direction, put her right shoulder under Josie's chin, grabbed the back of Josie's neck and dropped down to the floor with Josie in tow. Alexandra performed a perfectly executed Stone Cold Stunner, and Josie's throat impacted Alexandra's shoulder at high velocity. The impact knocked the redheaded madwoman out cold. She then lay sprawled out on the floor unconscious.

Melody's eyes were closed as she kept sobbing. Alexandra then went to Melody and took her into her arms. When she felt Alexandra's touch, she immediately flinched, expecting more pain to be unleashed on her from the psychopathic girl next door. "Please, no more," she barely managed to squeak out. _"I'm sorry, Josie. I'm sorry,"_ she sniffled.

"Melody, it's me, Alexandra. Josie can't hurt you anymore. I knocked her the fuck out."

Reluctantly, Melody slowly opened her eyes to see the kind yet very concerned face of Alexandra looking down at her in her arms. "Alexandra?"

"Yes, it's me. I'm here for you," Alexandra said as she cupped Melody's purple bruised cheek in her hand. Melody then reluctantly turned to see Josie knocked out cold on the floor. She sighed in relief that her tormentor was now incapacitated.

"Come on, Melody. I'm taking you to the hospital, and then you're taking the first flight home with me."

 _"Okay,"_ the bruised and battered woman sniffled.

To Be Continued


	2. Chapter 2

Battle of the Bands

Chapter 2

Like she said she would, Alexandra took Melody to a Paris emergency room. While some of Melody's injuries, including a bruised rib, were serious, they were thankfully not life threatening. However, they were serious enough that Melody was ordered to stay overnight in the hospital for observation. Although Alexandra was constantly complaining about the accommodations, she remained by Melody's side the entire night and slept for a few hours uncomfortably in a chair next to the hospital bed.

The next morning, the two women again met with the doctor who spoke fluent English with an almost comical French accent. He simply instructed Melody to take it easy and rest so she could heal properly.

He signed her discharge form, and only an hour later, both women were on a Cabot Airlines flight home back to Midvale. Before the flight, Alexandra called in a favor from her father who owned the airline, and first class on the plane was emptied so the two women, as well as Sebastian, could have their privacy. While Melody enjoyed the first class service and its endless supply of peanuts immensely, Alexandra slept most of the flight due to the chair being much more comfortable than the one she was forced to sleep in at the hospital.

Melody didn't go home however. Alexandra demanded that she stay at the Cabot mansion until she healed completely, because, as she explained it, she had the amenities and servants available to insure the quickest and most comfortable recovery for her possible. Melody agreed to the demand excitedly, and Melody's parents endorsed the decision as well.

It was now a day later. When Alexandra asked Melody what she could do to best insure her comfort and relaxation, Melody came up with the idea of having a slumber party with just her and Alexandra that would involve watching her favorite cartoons and eating junk food.

Alexandra chose the setting for the slumber party, one of the many home theaters throughout the mansion. This one in particular was used exclusively by Alexandra so she wouldn't have to share a TV with her brother. The room was almost the size of an actual movie theater and was decked out with a massive 400 inch 4K Ultra HD television and a series of comfortable leather couches and chairs. Servants then rolled in a couple beds and added a series of large fluffy pillows, stuffed animals, comforters and sleeping bags to the massive room in case they were needed for the night's festivities.

When asked what kind of junk food she wanted, Melody answered that she wanted chocolate chip cookies and Green River, an obscure brand of soda that Melody liked because, "It's a lot greener than Mountain Dew."

Alexandra immediately ordered one of her maids to bake a large batch of chocolate chip cookies and procure Green River for their sleepover. Despite the Cabot walk-in pantry rivaling the size of the one in the White House, Green River was not among the several dozen brands of soda pop stored within. After being alerted of the fact they didn't have it, Alexandra had the maid order several cases of the green soda that were promptly delivered ten minutes later to the mansion doorstep by drone.

The two young women then changed clothes for their slumber party. Alexandra slipped into a pair of designer red silk pajamas that had been especially made for her. Melody's attire was far simpler, an over-sized Josie and the Pussycats Summer 2015 tour t-shirt with the names of each city they had played printed down the back. It stretched down to near the middle of her very shapely thighs. Alexandra thought about asking Melody if she really wanted to wear that considering Josie had just fired her from the band, but once she saw what she looked like in it, she suddenly found herself at a loss for words.

Finally, they were set down on a couch in Alexandra's now dark home theater as some light flickered into the cavernous room from the humongous 4K television as it displayed an episode of Ren and Stimpy from a DVD. Currently, Stimpy was showing off his "nose goblin" collection of boogers to the viewers. Alexandra gagged a bit. She was surprised at how gross and disturbing this supposed children's cartoon was, but it was Melody's favorite. She wanted to cheer her up after the previous day's traumatic events, and if that required "marathoning" some old grotesque cartoon with her, so be it.

Suddenly, Melody erupted into uproarious giggling from the antics of the extremely ugly cat with the voice of Curly from the Three Stooges. Alexandra glanced over at her on the couch as she continued her long string of giggles. Alexandra was glad to see Melody laughing but frowned when she saw the light from the TV illuminate a large purple bruise on her cheek. For a moment, Alexandra again filled with rage. She would never forgive Josie for what she had done.

Melody wiped away some tears from her eyes after she finally stopped giggling. She then leaned down towards the table set in front of the couch and grabbed her iPhone so she could check her social media updates. She quickly thumbed through the updates on the screen until she saw something that caught her attention. "Josie updated her Tumblr."

"Oh god," Alexandra muttered.

"Look at this, Alexandra. She's announcing her new drummer."

Alexandra leaned over by Melody to get a better look. There was an image of Melody's drum kit with an actual potato set on the seat behind it. Below the image was some text, "Introducing Josie and the Pussycats' newest drummer, replacing crappy has-been Melody Jones, a potato."

"Golly, look at how many notes it has." Melody began scrolling through the 100,000 notes of the Tumblr post. All the comments were positive about the move and negative towards Melody. Melody read a few of them out loud.

 _I love Josie! She's a feminist icon. Great move!_

 _Good riddance. Melody was a problematic sexualized cisgender stereotype that literally harmed girls everywhere._

 _A privileged white girl loses her job to a vegetable? Sounds like good news to me!_

 _I love potatoes and social justice!_

Finally, Alexandra had enough and took the phone out of Melody's hands. "Just ignore them. Only huge cunts use Tumblr. It's a cesspit of jealous, petty bitches that need to shut their damn mouths and get a life. It's a site for cunts period!" She was shaking with anger.

"But don't you have a Tumblr?" Melody asked her.

"I barely use it anymore! Tumblr sucks! I hate it! I wish it would shut down forever!" she spat out defensively.

Melody reached over and put her hand on Alexandra's silk covered thigh and gave it a little rub. Alexandra wasn't expecting this, and her cheeks immediately lit up like two stop lights. "Even if you have a Tumblr, you're not a cunt, Alexandra. You're a good girl. I've always known you were a good girl too. Even when you acted like you were mad at the band all the time, I knew." Melody then stopped her little massage and removed her fingers from Alexandra's thigh.

 _"Th-th-thanks,"_ Alexandra stuttered. Melody giggled in response.

The blonde then reached over to the table again and took a freshly baked chocolate chip cookie from the tray the maid had set out for them. She then nibbled it to nothing in mere seconds. Alexandra noticed Melody's glass on the table was approaching empty, so she reached over and refilled it with one of the bottles of Green River soda that was chilling in an ice filled champagne bucket on the table.

Alexandra passed the glass to Melody, and she used it to wash down the remnants of her chocolate chip cookie. _"Mmmm,_ I love how green it tastes," she said in absolute ecstasy.

"Is there anything else you want that could make you more comfortable?" Alexandra asked her.

Melody put her finger to her lip and thought for a second. _"Hmmm._ Anything I want that would make me feel comfy?"

"Yes. I'm rich. I can get it for you in minutes."

Melody was now smirking. "Anything you say?"

"Yes, anything. Anything you want I promise. I'll get it for you!"

"Okay. I want you to use my boobs as a pillow."

Alexandra fell off the couch to the floor. She was not expecting that. _"Wha… what?"_ she asked from the floor.

Melody giggled loudly. _"He he he he!"_ Melody then stretched out her curvy feminine body on the couch and pointed towards one of her large breasts that was currently only covered by the thin layer of cotton of her t-shirt. "Just put your head here, Alexandra. That's what I want."

Alexandra stood up and looked around the room nervously to see if anyone else was watching. "This is a bit weird, don't you think?" she asked, now sounding very nervous. Her cheeks were now even redder than they were when Melody was touching her thigh.

Melody giggled again at the flustered girl. _"He he he,_ maybe, but you said I could have anything I want. That's what I want to be more comfy."

Alexandra gulped. There was then a long silence as she nervously thought it over. This situation made her feel very awkward, but that was contradicted a bit by the fluttery exciting feeling she felt in her stomach right now as well.

Alexandra then looked at Melody again, and Melody gave her a welcoming smile back. There was something very soothing about how Melody was looking at her with that smile. Alexandra could tell the sentiment expressed was a completely pure and unconditional one, free of hidden motivations. It had a calming effect on her nervousness, and her knee jerk instinct to reject the offer quickly faded away. "Okay," Alexandra finally agreed.

Melody's Cheshire grin widened even more. Melody motioned to her position with her arms, and Alexandra slowly, almost reluctantly, crawled on top of her. When she tried lowering her weight down on Melody, the blonde suddenly cried out in pain, _"Ouchie! Ouchie! Ouchie!"_

Alexandra lifted herself back up. "Oh my god, Melody! I forgot about your injuries!"

Melody bit her lip for a second until the pain subsided. "So did I. Don't feel bad! Ummm, try getting on me from the other side more." Alexandra tried again and lowered her weight down on her. _"Owie! Oh! Oh! Oh! Ouch!"_ Alexandra got back off of her, and Melody was biting her lip again.

"I'm sorry! I'm such a dum dum!" she scolded herself with her favorite insult.

"It's okay. Here, let me scoot over a bit." Melody scooted over closer to the edge of the couch. "Get in on the other side."

Alexandra very carefully and very gingerly lowered herself down on Melody's side. This time there was no cries of pain. She then slowly brought the side of her head down towards Melody's right breast, which was only covered by the thin layer of her t-shirt, and laid her check down against it. _"Th-this doesn't hurt does it?"_ Alexandra asked very nervously.

"Nuh-uh. Perfect," Melody purred. Melody then squeezed Alexandra's silk covered frame in her arms.

Alexandra's blush became several times more crimson. She had never felt like this. Indeed, Melody's boobs did make a good pillow. Melody's breast felt more soft and cushy than the most expensive pillow she owned that was stuffed with Icelandic duck down. Plus Melody's boob provided excellent neck support. It was truly amazing.

Beyond that, Melody's curvy frame exuded a warmth that transferred to Alexandra and caused her entire body to warm up as well. It felt exhilarating. The fact that Melody was the one making her feel this way caused that fluttery feeling Alexandra felt to intensify until it took over her entire body. "You're so cute right now, Alexandra. You're like my big baby."

 _"D-d-don't call me a big baby. It's weird!"_ Alexandra complained from Melody's breast.

Melody giggled in response. "So cute!" Alexandra gritted her teeth in embarrassment. Despite how pleasant this felt, it was still extremely awkward for her. "I have another request," Melody told her.

"Yeah, what is it?"

"You can't move from this spot until I say you can. No matter what."

"What? You're asking for too much now."

"It's what I want. You said I could have anything."

 _"Well…_ If that's what you really want, I guess I can try not to." Despite her act, she didn't want to move anyways.

Alexandra continued snuggling against Melody as Melody reached over to the table with her left arm and grabbed the DVD remote control. She pressed to start the next episode of Ren and Stimpy which began playing on the huge TV. They then watched another episode as they cuddled.

"No, sir, I don't think I have any use for rubber nipples," the creepy anthropomorphized horse on the screen said to Ren and Stimpy. "I tell you what though, do you have any rubber walrus protectors?"

 _"Call the poliiiice,"_ the cartoon walrus, who had been kept in bondage by the horse, whispered in desperation.

Melody erupted again into little incessant giggles. "I love this horse guy!"

Alexandra cringed a bit from her spot on Melody's chest. This show was kind of terrifying her, but she didn't want to tell Melody she hated it.

Melody then reached over again to the table and grabbed a fist full of chocolate chip cookies from the serving tray. She shoved them in her mouth and began chewing them as she continued to watch the cartoon and squeeze Alexandra with her other arm. Alexandra felt a good amount of cookie crumbs fall into her hair. Usually, she would be far more protective of her luscious locks, but she let it pass. The entire situation was far too pleasant overall. She didn't want to mess it up.

Melody then took a cookie and brought it to Alexandra's lips. "You eat one too." Alexandra opened her lips and began chewing. Melody smiled as she watched her eat it before grabbing another one for herself.

"I'm finally living out my fantasy," Melody said, sounding almost Zen-like in her level of contentment.

"What fantasy?" Alexandra asked, her cheek still firmly planted against Melody's cushy breast as she continued chewing.

"Eating chocolate chip cookies while watching Ren and Stimpy while you use my boobs as a pillow."

"You can't be serious. That exact specific thing was your fantasy?"

"Yup."

"With me exactly?"

"Uh huh. Only with you."

"How long have you had this fantasy?"

 _"Hmmm._ I think it's been seven years. Maybe eight and a half. Not sure."

Alexandra was a bit shocked to be hearing this. She had assumed their closeness was a recent development. "That long?"

"Yeah. Like I said, Alexandra, I always thought you were a good girl. I guess I didn't try to have you use my boobs as a pillow before because you were always trying to get Alan M. from Josie. I didn't think you'd want to."

"Jeez, don't bring that big dolt up." After Alan M. and Josie's break-up over her drug abuse three months earlier, Alexandra had waited a few weeks to ask him out. When she did, he refused her outright. Alexandra reacted to the rejection after having waited for years for him to break up with Josie by punching him in the face. They hadn't spoken since.

 _"He he,_ sorry."

Melody and Alexandra then noticed a figure looming over them. It was a young woman about five years older than Alexandra dressed in a French maid outfit. She had a devilish expression on her face and was holding another tray of freshly baked chocolate chip cookies, the one Alexandra had ordered her to bake some time earlier to make sure they didn't run out. _"Felicia,"_ Alexandra muttered under her breath. Despite the intrusion, Alexandra did not remove her head from Melody's bosom.

"I'm sorry. I'm not interrupting anything am I?" the maid asked with a noticeable amount of cheekiness in her voice.

"More cookies!" Melody cheered. She then reached up, grabbed one and immediately chowed down on it. _"Oooh,_ they're still warm and ooey and gooey!"

Felicia kept smirking at Alexandra knowingly. _"Th-this_ isn't what it looks like," she protested, despite not moving from her cuddling position.

"Oh, then what are you doing, Miss Alexandra?" she asked with a professional tone that still somehow managed to come off as very smart-alecky. Over the years, Felicia had grown a habit for subtly teasing Alexandra like an older sibling, much to Alexandra's annoyance.

"She's using my boobs for a pillow!" Melody answered her. Alexandra groaned from the sheer embarrassment.

"I can see that. Looks very comfortable."

"Just go make more cookies, _damn it!"_ Alexandra barked at her.

She set the tray down on the table next to the other one, and Melody immediately scooped up another warm cookie. "Sure thing. Melody, do you like peanut butter cookies as well? I know the recipe. I could make you a tray of those."

 _"Oooh,_ those are my second fave! Yes please!"

"Okay, peanut butter cookies coming right up. Please make sure to eat as many cookies as you can. You have to heal up so you can go back to being the best drummer in the world."

"Yes, mam!" Melody agreed gleefully as she continued gobbling away like the Cookie Monster.

Felicia then smirked again at the blushing and very uncomfortable Alexandra. "You also have to heal so you can be a good girlfriend to Alexandra and be able to do the things girlfriends do together without pain." Alexandra suddenly realized she had been snooping on them a lot longer than she had assumed. Her embarrassment tripled.

 _"Oooh,_ that sounds fun!" Melody chirped.

"Felicia, go back to the kitchen right now, or I'm going to murder you with my own hands! _I swear to god!"_ Alexandra shouted from Melody's breasts.

The maid let out a short snicker before walking off back into the darkness and out of the room.

"Alexandra, you shouldn't have been so rude to her. She made us all these yummy cookies."

"Don't worry, she loved every moment of that," Alexandra snarled.

"If you were so mad, why didn't you move away from my boobs?"

"Because you made me promise I wouldn't, _dum dum!"_ she snapped.

"I know. You're a good baby!" Melody said, squeezing her in her arms.

"Stop calling me that!" Alexandra protested.

Melody giggled again. "She also called me your girlfriend."

"Yeah, I heard that part," Alexandra said. Her tone had softened back into sounding more nervous than agitated.

"So what do you think? Is she right? Am I your girlfriend?"

"Do you want to be?"

"Yes. A lot."

"Well then, I guess you're my girlfriend," Alexandra answered calmly.

"Thank you, Alexandra! You made me so happy today!" Melody then tried to squeeze Alexandra even harder than she had been, and suddenly a painful sensation shot through her body from her injuries. _"Ouch! Ouch! Ouch!"_ she cried.

"Melody, what happened? Are you okay?" Alexandra asked, very concerned.

"I guess I cuddled you too hard," she said before giggling.

"You dum dum! Don't hurt yourself to cuddle me!"

 _"He he he,_ sorry!"

"It's all right. Let's just do _umm…_ moderate strength cuddling and finish your cartoon. Okay?"

"Okay."

The two girls continued to snuggle together without any additional pain for Melody as they watched more of the vulgar cartoon.

To Be Continued


	3. Chapter 3

Josie and the Pussycats - Battle of the Bands

Chapter 3

Alexandra and Melody stood in line to enter "the Box," a popular club in downtown Midvale. This was one of the venues that Josie and the Pussycats had started their career at and really established their selves as performers. It was also the venue tonight for the first concert of a new line-up of Josie and the Pussycats, one that did not include their original drummer, Melody Jones.

No longer being in the band, Melody was dressed in street clothes as opposed to her pussycat stage costume. Her outfit included a tiny yellow mini-skirt and a low-cut pink top that showed off a good amount of her round cleavage. Said mini-skirt and top had caused a traffic accident only minutes earlier by distracting a driver that proceeded to run directly into oncoming traffic. Due to being mesmerized by the curvy blonde in her very revealing clothing on the sidewalk outside the club, he had never seen the light in front of him turn red.

Alexandra's less curvy, although still quite alluring, frame was covered by more clothing including tight black pants and a frilly violet blouse. She was uncomfortably distracted by the scene of vehicular carnage on the street in front of them as the line they were in for the Josie and the Pussycats show slowly inched forward.

Melody, on the other hand, seemed completely oblivious to the car crash and was instead staring at the single file line of concert goers that stood in front of them. There was something strange about them. They did not resemble the Pussycats' usual clientele at all.

Finally, the two women reached the end of the line. After showing their tickets on Alexandra's smart phone app to the brutish looking bouncer, they were allowed inside.

Much like the name, the club was in a very large rectangular box shaped room with a simple stage at one end of the space and a bar on the side. The club was quite packed. Alexandra directed Melody to a back corner of the room where they would be least likely to be noticed, and they squeezed their way through the crowd to that spot.

Alexandra then opened up her purse and extracted a small remote control shaped device. "Remember, you stay next to me at all times, Melody. If Josie comes near you, I'm going to use this." She pressed the trigger of the stun gun, and a bolt of electricity traveled between the two electrodes at the end of the device.

Melody shook her cute head up and down. "I feel safe with you, Alexandra." She then grabbed Alexandra's arm and held onto it like a shy child would with her parent when confronted with strangers. Alexandra blushed and smirked. Although the situation had been unfortunate, having the attractive blonde depend on her was a really good feeling for Alexandra.

Alexandra was also feeling a bit smug because she was convinced that she would finally see her hated rival fail. The tickets for this performance had been put up for sale suddenly. Josie had decided to interrupt the planned European tour to hold a concert in the band's hometown to introduce their new drummer.

It was obvious Josie had done this to twist the knife more into Melody, but Alexandra was convinced that the night would turn out to be a disaster for the drug addled redhead. She wanted the satisfaction of her and Melody witnessing this failure first hand. She wanted to savor it in person like an expensive glass of vintage wine. At least that would give her some modicum of revenge for everything Josie had done to her and her girlfriend. She was finally going to win, and she could almost taste it.

Melody was smiling as she usually did as she continued gripping Alexandra's arm, but when Alexandra looked at the blonde, she could sense she was a bit tense under her friendly bubbly exterior. "Don't worry, Melody. This show is going to be a disaster with your hometown fans. It's going to ruin Josie, and after that, she'll be forced into rehab and you'll be let back into the band."

"I guess we'll see," Melody chirped. "I've never watched our show as part of the audience. This is kind of fun. But these don't look like our fans."

Alexandra glanced around the large crowded room from their position in the back. There were a lot of people, but something was certainly off. For one, everyone seemed to have hair dyed a really bright color. A good portion of the concert goers had lime green hair, pink hair, blue hair or a bright shade of red that certainly was nowhere approaching natural hair color. It was a jarring sight.

"It's like one of my animes except everyone is really ugly," Melody remarked.

"Yeah, I see what you mean, Melody. There's something really strange about this." Suddenly the answer dawned on her, and Alexandra frowned. She then addressed the overweight blue haired woman next to them. "Hey, _umm…_ do you have a Tumblr account?"

She almost hopped up and down with joy. Almost, that is. She was pretty large of course. "Yeah, I run Unicorns Against the Cis Patriarchy. Are you a fellow social justice warrior?"

"Uh, no, I'm _uhhh…_ social justice ninja."

The Smurf haired woman burst into loud laughter, causing her multiple chins to jiggle up and down. "That's so funny! That should be a new meme! I'll go post that right now!" She then pulled out her smart phone and began typing a Tumblr post about being a social justice ninja.

"Hey, do you recognize me?" Melody asked her, waving at her in a friendly manner.

The woman squinted her eyes. "No, are you on Tumblr too?"

Alexandra gritted her teeth a bit. She was suddenly feeling a familiar rage coursing through her veins. Melody showed no signs of displeasure at the answer. "How long have you been a fan of Josie and the Pussycats?" Alexandra asked her, trying to restrain herself from pulling out the stun gun and using it on her fat gullet.

"Oh since four days ago!" That was when Josie's Tumblr post about replacing Melody with a potato had gone viral. "I'm super psyched they fired that cis-hetero bimbo, Melody! Her internalized misogyny was such a bad role model for girls!"

Both of Alexandra's hands were now balled into fists. It took all her will power to not land a right hook on the Tumblr user's fat ugly face. "I hear they're giving away free pizza at the bar," Alexandra managed to mutter out.

Even though the woman was quite large, she made like Speedy Gonzales towards the bar. "Yay, free pizza!" Melody cheered as she tried to run after her. She was tugged back when Alexandra grabbed a hold of her arm.

"There's no free pizza, Melody. I lied to get that person away from us."

Melody gave Alexandra a puppy dog like pout. "Can we get pizza later?"

"Yup. All the pizza you want."

"With pineapples and anchovies?"

"Extra anchovies."

"Yay!" Melody hugged her girlfriend tight. She stopped squeezing her when the opening band, Linkin Park, stepped out on stage.

Soon, the Box was filled with the screeching noise of, _"Crawwwwwwwwwling in my skiiiiiiin! These wounds, they will not heeeeeaaaaaaaaal!"_ being "sung" by some jackass named Chester.

"I always hated this band. Figures they have to open for a drug addict now," Alexandra mumbled.

Finally, sometime later, the 40 year olds still performing songs about teen angst left the stage. Alexandra then frowned as she watched Alexander Cabot the Second, her brother, slowly and pathetically drag all of Josie and the Pussycats' instruments on stage. He no longer had the muscle bound Alan M. to depend on, and it showed.

After about 15 minutes of Alexander slowly dragging what was previously Melody's drum riser and drum kit on stage, Josie in full costume suddenly appeared from behind the curtains and rushed towards the mic. "Hey, Midvale, I'm glad you're all inside my Box again!" The crowd of Tumblr users erupted into loud cheers.

Reluctantly, Valerie entered through the curtains behind Josie. She was already frowning, seemingly unhappy about the situation. _"Yay, diversity!"_ one of the Tumblr users cheered. The entire crowd, save for Alexandra and Melody in the back, then broke into a chant of, _"Diversity! Diversity! Diversity! Diversity!"_ Valerie scowled back at the crowd harshly.

Josie then reached into her cleavage and pulled out a little plastic baggy. In the baggy was a small sheet of interconnected tabs. She ripped off one tab and then placed it into her mouth under her tongue.

"Josie, don't drop acid on stage!" Valerie screamed at her. The crowd didn't share Valerie's concern and cheered her actions instead. "Alex!" Valerie yelled for help. Alexander then appeared again from the back stage, and he and Valerie forcibly pulled Josie back behind the curtains.

A significant amount of time passed. Despite the fact it had been almost 30 minutes since Josie and Valerie had disappeared, the crowd didn't seem to mind at all and maintained their previous level of enthusiasm unimpeded. The fact that no one in the crowd seemed to care about this shocking display of unprofessionalism was absolutely maddening to Alexandra.

Finally, Josie stuck her cat ear wearing head out through the curtains again, and the crowd again cheered at her reemergence. Her eyes had a glossed over look to them. She was staring in the direction of the audience, but it was almost like she was staring past them to some mystical land only she could see. She then stumbled out onto stage. Valerie followed behind her, looking absolutely infuriated. Valerie's pussycat costume also had several large rips in it. It was obvious she had just been in a fight.

Josie then stumbled towards the microphone and grabbed it, almost toppling over in the process. She then stood up straight and began speaking into the mic, "The drug extends life. The drug expands consciousness. The drug is vital to space travel. The spacing guild and its navigators, who the drug has mutated over 4,000 years, use the orange drug gas which gives them the ability to fold space. That is travel to any part of the universe without moving."

The crowd continued cheering, despite not having a clue what she was talking about. They then clapped when she was finally done talking like she had given some profound speech akin to the Gettysburg Address. Valerie's jaw was wide open in shock as she stared at her band mate like she was an alien from another world.

"Alexander Cabot the 3,047th, please bring out our new drummer, the potato." Alexander, now with one lens broken on his very expensive sunglasses, came out from behind the curtain holding a big brown Idaho potato in his hand. The crowd cheered when they saw the vegetable.

Alexandra darted her eyes back and forth around the crowd in front of her. She didn't understand why the reaction was so positive, and it was really pissing her off. After all that had happened already, Josie should have been booed out of the building. The dark haired woman then looked over at Melody and saw that her lower lip was quivering. Alexandra grabbed Melody's hand and squeezed it to show her support.

Alexander set the potato down on Melody's former seat behind her drum kit. "May I remind you this potato is a bi-gender autistic otherkin Native American spirit animal," Josie told the crowd. "It deserves your respect."

The Box was then flooded with the sound of a standing ovation. Several people whistled, and some concert goers shouted out, "We support you!"

"Now prepare your selves for the greatest drum solo in all of space and time," Josie said before she stepped back from the mic and stared at the potato behind the drums. There was total and complete silence. No sound emanated from the stage, and the crowd was completely quiet as they gazed up at the vegetable in an almost zombie like trance. This was very strange at first, but then it began dragging on for minutes.

"There's no music," Melody said. "That potato can't play the drums!" Several Tumblr users with multi-colored hair then turned back towards the cute blonde and hissed at her like snakes. _"Sorry,"_ Melody apologized.

Alexandra's rage just kept building as she continued squeezing Melody's hand in her palm. What were wrong with these idiots? Why weren't they booing total silence at a concert for a pop band? It made no sense.

Finally, after ten minutes had passed, Josie spoke into the mic again, "That now concludes the greatest drum solo in all of space and time." The crowd gave the potato another standing ovation even louder than before. The club was drowned out in the sound of clapping and cheers so loud that they could be heard down the street for blocks.

Finally, Valerie had enough. "I'm not going to be upstaged by a vegetable! I quit!"

Josie looked back at Valerie with a crazed look in her eyes. She then pulled out a tomato from some undisclosed location on her person and shoved it in Valerie's face. "I already have your replacement, Valerie!"

"The fuck I care! Go add a cucumber to the band next and go fuck yourself with it! I'm done!" She then grabbed her tambourines and stomped back behind the curtain towards the exit.

Alexandra then noticed two trails of tears running down Melody's round cheeks. "They like the potato more than me," she cried.

Alexandra was ridiculously angry at this point, but she had to stay strong for Melody's sake. She immediately took the weeping blonde into her arms and gave her a tight hug. "No they don't. These aren't your real fans. These are some idiots from Tumblr. I'm sorry I took you here. Let's go get your anchovy pineapple pizza. Then we can start planning for the future of your music career. I promise I'm going to make everything right."

 _"Okay,"_ Melody sniffled from Alexandra's arms. "Thanks, Alexandra. I don't know what I'd do without you."

A few hours had passed. Alexandra and Melody we're now sitting together on the couch in one of the rooms in the Cabot mansion used for entertaining guests. They were joined by Valerie, who Alexandra had invited over via text message, sitting in an adjacent leather chair. Sebastian was sleeping in his own chair next to her in a fetal position.

Valerie was still more than a bit ticked off by everything that had transpired earlier that night. Melody was simply happy to see her friend Valerie again. They had been separated since Melody was kicked out of the band in Paris. Alexandra was unexpectedly calm despite being so enraged a few hours earlier.

"I invited you here, because I want to talk business," Alexandra explained to Valerie.

"What do you have in mind exactly?" Valerie asked her.

"As you know, and as I warned you about a million times, Josie has ruined Josie and the Pussycats. Now that she's fired Melody and you quit, Josie has complete control of the band and its intellectual property." Valerie and even the seemingly always chipper Melody frowned at hearing that fact.

Alexandra then went on, "However, that doesn't mean we have to give up. I want the three of us to join together and become Alexandra's Cool Time Cats, for real this time." Alexandra's Cool Time Cats was the name change for Josie and the Pussycats Alexandra had been trying to force on the band ever since its inception. "Alexandra's Cool Time Cats will compete directly with Josie's crappy vegetable band and run her right out of the industry!"

"I never thought I'd say this," Valerie remarked, "but you can call me a Cool Time Cat, because I'm in! Josie can go to hell."

 _"Ooh, ooh,_ do I get to be the drummer?" Melody asked, literally hopping up and down on the couch.

Alexandra smiled at her. "You sure do."

 _"Yay!"_ She then tackled Alexandra on the couch. Alexandra, blushing hard, fought her off a bit until Melody's huggle attack subsided. She didn't want to get too carried away with the physical affection with Valerie as an audience.

"As much as I'm excited to be playing in a band without that Josephine person, whatever her name is, we have one problem," Valerie explained.

"What's that?" Melody asked.

"Alexandra likes to pretend otherwise, but she can't play the guitar or any other musical instrument for that matter. We need more than drums and tambourines to perform."

"I'm going to ignore that insult." Alexandra frowned at her. "But don't worry about it. I sent a tweet to someone that can help us."

"Who is that?" Valerie asked. "A talent agent?"

"Much better. He did some big deals with daddy when I was a little girl."

"The head of a marketing firm? A record company executive?" she guessed again.

"Nope." Suddenly the three women heard a really loud noise coming from outside the window that kept getting louder. Sebastian was woken up by the noise and yawned from his chair. "That must be him now," Alexandra said. "Let's go meet him."

Alexandra led them down the long maze of corridors to one of the back exits of the very impressively large Cabot mansion. Immediately, the women's hair and clothing were blown back by a strong gust of wind emanating from the blades of a green military style helicopter that was landing on a helipad located behind the Cabot mansion.

"When did you install a helipad?" Valerie shouted at Alexandra.

"A few weeks ago!" she shouted back.

The helicopter then ended its landing, and a little while later, the wind stopped when the helicopter's blades ceased turning. Valerie noticed a familiar seal on the body of the chopper. She still couldn't believe what she suspected was happening.

A ramp then lowered down from the helicopter to the concrete helipad. The door opened, and out walked a stocky man in a three piece suit and red tie with a wave of flowing golden hair on top of his aging head. As soon as he saw the women gathered to meet him, he gave them a big thumbs up.

 _"President Trump?!"_ Valerie asked in utter disbelief.

"That funny guy from TV!" Melody exclaimed.

"Alexandra, I came as soon as I read your tweet," President Donald J. Trump shouted as he stepped down off of the exit ramp of Marine One, the presidential helicopter. "Don't worry. Alexandra's Cool Time Cats are going to be _yuuuuge!_ Believe me!"

To Be Continued


	4. Chapter 4

Battle of the Bands

Chapter 4

Felicia, the brunette maid of the Cabots, had just finished dusting Alexander Cabot the Second's collection of authentic Ming vases. It was tender work since the ancient pottery was worth a fortune and had to be feather dusted with the upmost care.

She looked at how shiny they were now without the thin layer of dust that had accumulated since their last dusting not too long ago. Feeling quite proud regarding the good work she had done, she then decided to check up on Alexandra, Melody and Valerie, who were having a powwow in one of the Cabot Mansion's many meeting rooms.

It took a few minutes to pass through the long maze of corridors and hallways to find the room in question. She had gotten lost a few times in the massive mansion when she first started working for the Cabots, but now she knew the layout of the huge structure by heart.

She opened the door, "Girls, would you like something to… _AHHHHHH!"_ she shrieked after seeing the pudgy face of President Trump sitting in one of the leather chairs in the room surrounded by very serious looking secret service agents. Valerie and Melody were sitting on the couch, and Alexandra was sitting in another chair across from the president, stroking Sebastian in her lap.

President Trump gave her a big goofy smile, seeming somewhat pleased with her reaction.

Alexandra was a bit annoyed with Felicia's apparent horror at being surprised by the presence of the world's most important person and frowned at her. "Felicia, this is the 45th president of the United States, Donald J. Trump," she introduced her guest before again scowling at her maid.

 _"It… it… it's an honor sir,"_ she stammered.

"Likewise," he smiled back.

She then realized her duty. "Can I get you _a… a… re…refreshment, Mr. Pr..pr..president?"_

"You know, I could really go for a glass of chocolate milk right now," he answered.

 _"Oooh,_ me too!" Melody exclaimed. "Mr. President the Donald, do you like strawberry milk too?" she inquired.

"Love it! You know what, make that two strawberry milks, one for me and one for Melody." He then shot his index finger at that perky blonde. "I like the way you think!"

"Thank you, Mr. President the Donald! People are always saying I have an original way of thinking!" she chirped gleefully in her sing song voice.

"And original thinking is what we need to make America great again."

"Yay! I'm going to help make America great again!"

"Does anyone else want anything?" Felicia asked, her nervousness obviously not having left her. Up until that point, the most important people she had waited on were the Cabots and Alexander Cabot the Second's other business associates, none of them famous people.

Alexandra shook her head, and Valerie answered, "No thanks." The maid then looked at the three secret service agents who were all oddly wearing sunglasses indoors. They simply stared back at her with stern expressions and didn't say anything in response to her question.

Felicia gulped. "Okay, two strawberry milks coming right up." She then walked out of the room a bit zombie like.

"So back to business I guess," Valerie interjected. "Do you want us to perform at one of your rallies or something, Mr. President?"

President Trump shook his head. "No, performing at one rally isn't enough for where I want to take Alexandra's Cool Time Cats. I want to take this band straight to the top. It's going to be the greatest band in the history of bands. I want you to be bigger than the Beatles. In the future, when people talk about Abbey Road, they're going to say, 'It's an okay record, but it's no Alexandra's Cool Time Cats!'"

"Take that, John Lennon!" Melody exclaimed before letting out a long string of giggles.

"How?" Valerie asked, somewhat stunned by the claim they could ever be that successful. Sure, they had a few pop hits that had charted on Billboard, but their sales overall had always been rather moderate compared to the biggest acts out there. They never had enough fans to fill the largest venues.

"Well, Alexandra explained to me on Twitter that you currently have an opening for lead guitarist."

Alexandra had an odd smirk on her face. "That's correct," she confirmed as she continued petting her cat.

"Well then, you have your new guitarist, because I'm joining this band!"

Alexandra smirked even wider, and Melody started clapping and cheering. Valerie was shocked and very confused. "You can play?"

"Let me give you a demonstration," he said, never faltering in his confidence. He then turned to two members of his secret service detail. "Boys, go bring me Wilbur." The two agents quickly walked out of the room.

"Who's Wilbur?" Melody asked him. "Sounds like the name of a horse."

"Wilbur is the name of my mighty axe."

A few minutes later, they returned. In the hands of one secret service agent was a golden Gibson Flying V electric guitar with a V shaped body. The other secret service agent held a Fender mobile amp by its handle. He set down the amp and plugged it into a nearby wall socket. The guitar was connected to the amp via a cord. The other agent then placed the guitar into the president's arms and the strap over his shoulder.

He held the guitar and reached into a pocket on his suit coat with his free hand. From his pocket, he extracted a golden guitar pick. Donald then ran his hand down with his pick across the metal strings of the guitar. Immediately, Wilbur's distinctive sound began pouring out from the mobile amp's speaker.

Valerie's jaw was wide open. It was unbelievable. Not only could President Donald Trump play the electric guitar, he was damn good at it too. The president began a long series of heavy metal riffs performed with expert precision, each more elaborate than the last. To Valerie's ear, the style used sounded remarkably similar to the one she had heard in Van Halen's early albums.

Suddenly, the door opened, and in walked Felicia with a silver tray and two tall glasses of pink strawberry milk. Seeing the president of the United States jamming out with a V shaped electric guitar, Felicia fell backwards out of pure shock and the pink liquid splashed on top of her maid uniform. President Trump continued playing as the nervous and embarrassed maid tried to soak up the pink liquid on the floor with a cloth.

 _"Go get the president more strawberry milk, you ding a ling!"_ Alexandra barked at her so loud it could be heard over President Trump's guitar riff.

"Yes, mam!" she cried. She then scooped up the glasses and tray off of the carpet and ran out of the room as quickly as possible.

Finally, after several more minutes of excellent guitar riffs that would make Jimi Hendrix jealous, the president concluded his impromptu performance. All three women clapped for a long time.

"Thank you, thank you!" he told them. They finally stopped clapping.

"How the heck did you get so good?" Valerie asked, still quite shocked.

"I've always been this good. Back in military school, I started my own band, the Trump Cards. After graduation, we went on tour across the US for a few years. Eddie Van Halen is still embarrassed to admit it, but I'm the one who taught him how to play the guitar after one of our gigs opening for Cream. But if you ask him in private, he'll tell you it's the truth."

"How come I've never heard of the Trump Cards or the fact you're an amazing guitarist?"

"Because, after a few years of that life, I wanted to focus on the family business and doing deals. Look, there's a lot of rock stars, but how many of them own billion dollar companies? Eddie Van Halen may be rich, but he doesn't own a billion dollar company. He never built a Van Halen Tower. He's never made some of the greatest deals in the history of deals. He never starred in the number one show in prime time. He also keeps going back to rehab. That's the rock star life style, ending up in rehab. That was never for Donald Trump. At least up until now that is, because we're going to change it. I want to make the music industry great again, and I think I can do that with you girls."

Melody was nodding her head up and down, liking everything she was hearing. Valerie was still a bit skeptical. This turn of events was still almost too much for her to believe. "But you're now the president of the United States, how would you have enough free time to be part of a band, one that goes out on tour?" she asked him.

"I haven't slept since 1978. I got plenty of free time. So much time you wouldn't believe."

"Golly, you're amazing, Mr. President the Donald! If only I didn't have to sleep too. I could be a drummer and do everything else I've wanted to do like start a roller derby team and become a Pokémon master."

Alexandra seemed to sense that Valerie, despite her skeptical questions, was quickly coming on board with her plan. She then felt it was time to move things along. "As much as I'd like to be in control of everything," Alexandra said, "and believe me, I usually know what's better for everyone than they do for their selves, Josie being given final say on all the important decisions of Josie and the Pussycats was a huge screw up that I can't believe anyone with a brain agreed to and lead us to the point we are at now."

Valerie and Melody refused to look her in the eyes after she had said that, but they knew she was right about Josie abusing their trust. Alexandra continued, "Not that I'll ever be as big of a screw up as Josie is, I've always been a hundred times classier and smarter than her even if no one wants to recognize that, but I want Alexandra's Cool Time Cats to be a bit more democratic even if I'm the headliner as I should be. So let's put this to a vote. Raise your hand if you want to add President Donald Trump as the lead guitarist of Alexandra's Cool Time Cats."

Melody shot her hand up like a canon, and Alexandra raised her hand as well. Valerie appeared to be hesitating. "Well, I didn't vote for you for president," she explained.

"Hey, no one's perfect," he responded coolly.

"But I'm sure voting for you now!" she said before raising her hand. Donald Trump gave her a big smile, and Melody clapped in response.

"I'm honored to be chosen as your lead guitarist," Trump said. "However, I do have one requirement for being in this band."

"What's that?" Valerie asked.

"You girls have to live by the same rules my kids do under my roof. No drugs and no alcohol."

"You didn't have to ask me," Alexandra said. "Drugs and booze are for losers like Josie."

"Golly, we're going to be responsible role models just like Smokey the Bear!" Melody exclaimed.

"Well, I do like to get my drink on once in a while," Valerie explained, "but after having to deal with Josie recently, yeah, I think I'm ready for several years of sobriety at this point."

"Yay for sobriety!" Melody cheered. Donald Trump gave the girls a big thumbs up.

"Now that we've got that settled," Alexandra explained, "I want to discuss strategy. Even though the President will be a huge asset to us, we still have a big problem."

"What's that?" Valerie asked.

"Tumblr," Alexandra muttered darkly, her deep hatred for the social media network quite apparent. "Josie's new fan base is 100 percent composed of Tumblr users, and they don't care she's a coked up addict now on a million different drugs. They don't even care if she plays music. They support her just because other Tumblr users do and use some social justice bullshit as an excuse. They're total zombies."

"I hear that," Valerie agreed. "I don't get the new fans at all. They gave a vegetable a standing ovation." The fact a potato got a better response than she ever did on stage still stung a bit.

"Don't worry about Tumblr," Trump said. "I'm well aware of the problem, and my cabinet created a plan to deal with them."

"What plan?" Alexandra asked.

"The plan being put into action right now actually. I don't want to tell you too much yet, but you'll find out soon. Tumblr will be taken care of, believe me."

2,600 miles away, it was a very hot day in Mexico. So hot it could bleach the bones of any creature unfortunate enough to expire in this barren wasteland of dust in a record amount of time. The only plant life that existed on this Mars like landscape was the occasional thorny cactus and tumbleweed.

One tumbleweed in particular had been picked up by the dusty wind and had been traveling for miles. It spun and spun as the as the hot dessert air pushed it forward. Finally, it stopped when it hit something hard and rock like.

However, this outcropping that had stopped the tumbleweed's journey wasn't part of the natural landscape. It was manmade concrete that stretched up to a very tall height, so tall it could never be climbed by human beings. It was part of a newly constructed border wall that stretched on and on as far as the eye could see in both directions much like the Great Wall of China that had been constructed over 2,000 years prior. It stood in stark contrast to the natural desolation that surrounded it as a monument to the existence of human civilization.

Suddenly, a massive door on this wall opened all on its own similar to the cave door Ali Baba had commanded open with the utterance of a secret word. The previously silent desert was then filled with loud harsh sound as a seemingly endless series of white buses plowed through the opening of the massive door on the great border wall, traveling on the very simple dirt road that passed through to the other side.

One by one, each of the buses stopped and parked not too far from the great wall. The captive occupants inside were then forced to exit the cool air conditioned interiors of the buses to the blistering dessert heat outside by Immigration Customs Enforcement agents armed with shotguns that had ridden along inside on the long drive.

Strangely, each passenger had hair dyed a bright and garish color. Each passenger had also been a member of the Tumblr social media website. They had all been gathered up one by one in ICE raids that had been executed in the middle of the night. As the last bus emptied, the young men and women with clownish hair gathered together in a crowd. Overhead, a group of buzzards had spontaneously begun circling above high in the sky. To their powerful avian eyes, the image below of the crowd was similar to that of a big bowl of multi-colored Skittles candy.

The ICE agents then reboarded the buses, and they quickly took off back through the wall door. Mere seconds after the last bus had passed through, the massive door closed shut, uttering a loud clang that reverberated for miles throughout the dusty desert.

However, after the final bus had driven far enough away that its motor could no longer be heard, it was not silent for the air filled with the whining and crying of Tumblr users.

 _"I want my safe space!"_

 _"Dr. Who save us!"_

 _"I can't even right now!"_

One ugly woman with bright red hair stepped forward and pointed her finger at the massive border wall accusingly. "This is like a literal representation of the patriarchy!"

A few other Tumblr users walked up to the wall door and banged on it hard. "Open up! Stop this disgusting display of border privilege!" a skinny man with lime green hair cried as he pounded on the door. He then stopped when his hand started hurting.

A smaller group of Tumblr users then decided to walk out into the dessert. Surely a Mexican town with air conditioning and free tamales for all would be just ahead across the border. They slowly traversed forward with nothing but barren desert landscape ahead as far as the eye could see. They suddenly stopped after having walked a total of 25 feet and stood horrified at the sight before them. It was a pile of decapitated human heads left to bake in the dessert by the drug cartel that controlled the territory on this side of the border.

The Tumblr users shrieked in terror. _"This is totally problematic!"_ one pink haired woman shouted at the heads as if they could hear her.

"I needed a trigger warning for that," another cried before gagging and depositing her lunch on the dusty dessert ground.

Some distance away, a trigender woman with a purple beard heard a distinctive rattle like sound from behind a nearby cactus. "Are those maracas? Maybe a Mexican identifying person came to save us!" She stepped behind the cactus, and suddenly a large diamondback rattle snake lunged forward and sunk its fangs deep into her fatty ankle. The woman fell to the ground and kept screaming helplessly as the snake's venom took its course and began flowing through her veins.

Some other nearby Tumblr users saw the snake strike and started panicking. They began running into the desert at the fastest speed their bloated carcasses could move. One especially fat woman with neon blue hair tripped over a rock and flopped onto the ground stomach first. She started shrieking as several scorpions crawled forward and began stinging her all over her body. One especially large scorpion whipped forward its tail and sunk its stinger directly into her eyeball.

Another Tumblr user with rainbow colored hair managed to make it much further than the others. "Okay, I'm still alive," she told herself. "My PHD in gender studies is paying off. I can do this!" Eventually, she made it to a large rock outcropping in the dessert. Looking closer, she could see it was the beginning of a seriously intimidating looking mountain range. She gulped before her confidence came back to her. "I can do this," she told herself again. "I got a participation trophy for rock climbing at the mall before. Just need to make it to the other side."

Slowly, she began making it up the rocky hillside. After several minutes, she stopped when she heard the sound of a cat purring, quite similar to the purrs of the nine cats she had at home. "There's kitties out here?" She then looked up to see the golden feline body covered in black spots of a very large cat perched up on a rock above her. The jaguar then opened its mouth wide, showing off its massive sharp teeth, as it let out a loud growl.

 _"Awwww,_ look at the cute kitty! I have to get a pic of this for my cat blog." She then reached into her fanny pack and pulled out her smart phone. She snapped a photo of the beast and then tried to upload it to her Tumblr account. However, the upload failed due to the lack of a connection. The jaguar then swiftly stepped down from the rock higher on the crag to one on the rainbow haired woman's level. It then walked towards her.

She seemed very pleased by this. "Come to mama, you big cutie wutie baby waby!" she said to it. The jaguar slowly stepped closer, and the woman stretched out her hand to pet its head. Immediately, the big cat opened its fanged mouth and clamped down on the woman's hand hard. It then yanked its head backwards and tore the flesh and bone of her hand right off her arm. As blood began pouring out of the open wound like a fountain, her screaming echoed from the tall rocky outgrowths of the mountains and back down into the desolate dessert.

Overhead, the collection of buzzards observing the multi-colored dots moving in different directions had grown to several hundred vultures. They kept circling overhead waiting patiently. For tonight, they knew they would gorge themselves on human flesh.

To Be Continued


End file.
